dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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