Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
