i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Houston, we have a blender
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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