Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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