We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
