Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
