I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
