If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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