i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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