If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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