Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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