i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
