i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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