Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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