She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
