i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
