Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
