We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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