I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I need water and some morals
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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