I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
