maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
