Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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