my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
