Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
