It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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