grandma shit on top of the toilet
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
