i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
