Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
