the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
