I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I skipped work to stalk him.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
