I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
