This is not my ceiling
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
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You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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