My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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