I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
