how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
