So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.