No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
