oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
