I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
