Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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