I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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