In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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