I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
