Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
