He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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