Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
