I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
