I cannot find my penis.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
