I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
