New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
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I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
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Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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