Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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