A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
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Acid is not a monday night drug
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
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Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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