Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
