I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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