I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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