nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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