Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
